How to pull yourself together and survive a breakup with your loved one?
Breaking up a relationship is always a painful process, especially if people have been together for a long time. To finally accept the situation and let go of your former “soul mate”, sometimes it takes more than one month. But how to find strength and recover after parting?
This was told in his didactic poem "Cure for Love" by the ancient Roman poet Ovid. Written more than two thousand years ago, this work remains relevant today. In it, the author gives useful instructions that will help you reliably survive a breakdown in your relationship with your loved one, to pull yourself together and with dignity to get out of this situation.
We have selected the top 10 tips. Despite the fact that Ovid addresses male readers, his instructions will also be useful to women. In particular, the author himself says about this: “What is good for young men, and women will benefit: / I justly give a remedy to both.” from this poem.
Tip number 1
It’s hard to keep up with love because in self-conceit
Each of us thinks: “How can you not love me?”
You don’t believe a word (what is more deceitful than an idle word?),
Not the invocation of the gods from their everlasting heights, -
Do not allow yourself to touch the tears and sobs of women -
This is their craft, the fruit of exercises for the eyes:
A lot of tricks get war on a love heart,
So from everywhere the trees hit the seaside cliff.
Council number 2
So, here is my advice: bring yourself more often as a keepsake
All that your girl has done evil to you.
“I gave and gave to her, but to her everything is enough and not enough, -
My house is sold at auction, and the insatiable is ridiculous,
So she swore to me, and then she deceived me,
So many futile nights I slept at her door!
She is glad to love everyone, but she never wants me:
He won’t give me his night;
This is firm to yourself - and all your feelings will become embittered,
This is firm - and hostility will grow in your heart.
Council number 3
It was with me and so: I could not stop loving beauty
Although I understood well the destructiveness of this love.
As a patient, Podaliry, I took medication for myself,
For, ashamed to say, the doctor could not be healed.
It was then that the calculus of her shortcomings saved me -
Such a tool has been more than all useful.
I said: "My girlfriend has ugly legs!"
(If truth be told, they were good.)
I said: "My girlfriend has inexpressible hands!"
(If truth be told, hands were slim too.)
“She is short in stature!” (And she was of glorious stature.)
“It’s too greedy for money!” (Here is the end of love!)
Everywhere the good is adjacent to the bad, and often
And a flawless thing can bring reproaches.
You can turn women's virtues into flaws
And condemn, cursing the smallest soul.
Tip number 4
So, here is my advice: to be treated by my science,
First of all, forget the idle laziness!
Idleness gives birth to love and, having given birth, protects and cherishes,
Idleness is the soil and food for longed-for evil.
If you forget laziness, you shame Cupid's arrows,
And the fading torch will drop love.
Like a plane tree to a vine, like a poplar to a stream,
Like a high reed silt swamp glad
So the goddess of love idleness and idleness is glad:
Engage in business - and love will immediately give way to business.
Tip number 5
Just do not be alone: loneliness is harmful to lovers!
Do not run away from people - your salvation is with them.
Since passions are rampant in secluded places
Get out of secluded places into crowded crowds.
He who is alone, in that spirit is clouded, in front of his eyes
The image of his mistress is seen as if alive
That’s why daytime is safer than night -
In the afternoon, your circle of friends can dispel melancholy.
Do not lock the doors, do not be silent in response to questions,
Do not cover your distressed look in the dark!
Tip number 6
I want to add a trifle, but a similar trifle
Often it was useful to many and to myself.
Do not reread letters where the handwriting of a kind friend!
The old will touch the letter the most unshakable spirit.
Add them all - add them against your will! - into a burning flame,
“Here is the funeral pyre of my unhappy passion!”
Festia daughter smut burned a distant son -
Will you hesitate to burn the lines of a lying love?
Tip number 7
Where is she, with whom is she, what’s with her, don’t try to find out about it,
Silently bear your inheritance - in favor of silence to you.
You shout about the reasons for the break at every step
Counting the sins of your ex-girlfriend
Leave these groans: silence is the best way
So that the image you wish to erase from a soul in love.
Council number 8
It’s often saddening the place where you were, where you slept,
Be able to avoid these witness places too.
“Here we were alone, here lay on a welcome bed,
Here she gave the sweetest night. ”
Remembering love stirs unhealed wounds
And the weakest is oppressed by the smallest pain.
Tip number 9
Do you want to know whether to accept the gifts of Bacchus?
I will give this advice in very few words.
If you drink moderately, the wine prompts to Venus,
And from the excess of wine, the soul stupidly dies.
The wind feeds the fire and the wind quenches it:
A light impulse will revive, a strong impulse will smother the fire.
Or don’t drink, or drink to the end to forget all worries:
Everything between the one and the other that is in the middle harms.
New life or loneliness
The most difficult thing is to survive the loss of a young woman who was making plans for her future with her husband, thinking about a life together, discussing family values and, probably, already planning replenishment of a young family. With the death of her husband, all plans are destroyed, a feeling is created that happiness will never happen again.
After the deep sadness passes, the young widow needs to understand that she needs a family, a house and children, and this is normal.
Mourning for the deceased should not last a lifetime. No one will blame her for deciding to create a new family with another man.
A widow of 60 years and older, who had lived all her life with her husband, was not easy to bear the loss. But she is surrounded by caring children and grandchildren, a woman at this age is rarely alone. Elderly widows rarely decide to create a new family. But this also happens, and a woman should not feel guilty.
Help relatives and friends
Some women, immersed in grief, at first refuse to meet and talk with friends and relatives. But close people should unobtrusively resist this decision.
How can I help a friend, mom, sister:
- call a doctor or convince a widow to go to a psychologist,
- to assist in the funeral,
- provide food, monitor home, animals, children.
Sometimes, relatives help a woman get out of deep depression: they distract with stories about their lives, carefully and patiently listen, turn their shoulders, and allow them to cry.
After the death of the spouse, the woman may have the thought that now she will be forever alone, unnecessary and beloved. Love and care of relatives will help to remember that there are people to whom she is always not indifferent.
It is the family that is able to arouse the widow's interest in life: inviting guests, organizing shopping trips, to the movies, to the gym. Without their help, it will be difficult for a woman to overcome a depressive state. But sometimes, a stranger can help a grieving widow by listening to her. Therefore, do not repel a random fellow traveler in a black scarf who is trying to tell you about her sadness.
The Church refers to death as an inevitable period of life for every person who completes his earthly path. Tears, deep despair and unwillingness to reconcile and accept their fate indicate that the widow is not ready to let her husband go to the best of the worlds.
The death of man ceases to exist only the physical body, the soul is immortal. To find peace, she needs the support and care of her family. All your energy, love and strength should be concentrated on prayers. For the peace of mind of the deceased, one must pray until the 40th day.
Also, the widow needs to remember that she is not alone - her loving Lord is with her, and He will help her to bear all the hardships. A state of despair is not an option. It should be understood that the Lord does not give a person more than he can endure, and he must spiritually support in the trials that he sends.
You need to rid yourself of all superstitions. Orthodoxy does not include curtains of mirrors or a glass of vodka on the grave of the deceased. Such rules were invented by people who were in the temple a couple of times in their lives and trying to imagine death as a kind of performance, where each action carries a sacred meaning.
You can light a candle in the church for the repose of your husband and confess to the priest. He will direct the grieving from the loss of his beloved to creation, to God and help to accept the loss.
In reality, death has only one meaning - it is the transition from worldly life on Earth to eternity. And it is important to think ahead of time where a person’s soul will be located in order to review all righteous deeds and sins for all his earthly life.
If grief overtook a young family with children, then the widow needs to pack up and return to a normal life for their sake to help them suffer the loss. As a rule, family life is established within one year. The widow will need to play the role of both parents so that the children can cope with the loss and live normally. The time recommended for observing mourning is from one to three years, after which the holy fathers advise to marry again.
Back in the twentieth century, experts in the field of psychology from the United States, evaluating various complex events in human life, developed a stress severity scale with a gradation from 0 to 100 points. Most scored the death of her beloved husband.
Scientists have revealed: regardless of age and temperament, having lost the second half, all women suffer, going through identical stages:
- Shock. It is compared with a powerful blow under the breath, from which a person bends and cannot breathe. Suffering from internal pain, the widow can temporarily forget how to speak, hear, see, lose orientation in time and space. After numbness, she is stunned by pain.
- Negation. Having heard about the death of her husband, the woman refuses to believe it. She begins to convince herself that this is a mistake, false information, confusion occurred and someone else died. This happens even if a loved one died of his old age.
- Anger. When the fact of the death of the spouse is accepted, the widow begins the search for the perpetrator of the tragedy. She can scold someone from her relatives, more often herself, remember the smallest details of the day on the eve of death, look for tragic signs. It seems to her that something could have been done to prevent a fatal outcome.
- Depressive state. When a woman finally realizes that her spouse is no longer there, and this can not be changed, she goes into a deep depression. Loses taste for life, ceases to be interested in anything, something to desire. The widow is immersed in her grief. And at this time she especially needed help.
Experts in the field of psychology believe: you should not suppress emotional experiences, restrain tears. If pain and longing are simply hidden in the depths of the soul, they will break through — a mental or physical illness.
To prevent this from happening, it is recommended some time after the death of the spouse to do gymnastics, running, swimming. And do it at least once a day. The pain of loss is often felt at the physical level, and sport retunes the body, changing the organic response. In addition, intense loads allow you to throw anguish and feelings out.
Sometimes in such situations, people who have survived the loss help. It is human nature to trust more the words and advice of those who know firsthand about the feelings a widow experiences. You need to find a forum or a support site where people share their experiences of getting out of a depressed state and communicate with them.
But if a woman herself almost dies of longing, she should consult a professional. The psychologist will help the widow look at the situation from the other side, throw out emotions, and accept the loss. After this, patients usually experience significant relief. If this does not help, psychotherapy will save you from deep depression, and in severe cases, medication.